Some spiritual growing.

So I have struggled ever since I've been home from my mission to really get in to my scripture reading.  I've struggled to feel as passionate about reading the scriptures as I once did.   I realized that my lack of passion comes largely from my lack of purpose.  As a missionary, I was constantly seeking answers to real problems--people I was teaching wanted to know about a certain doctrine or they needed to understand a certain principle better.  I always had SO much I needed to learn--for my sake and others.  Now, I struggle to find personal questions that I am searching for in the scriptures.  I know I know how to do it, I know I probably do have my own questions but I don't know...it just hasn't come.

I've recently had an epiphany of sorts though.  I started studying the new student manual for the Doctrine and Covenants (this is another set of scripture that we Mormons believe in and it's great because it is Christ's voice directly speaking to people living in modern days) during church to prepare for Sunday School.  I have now been studying this little manual at home and all of a sudden I have purpose!  The manual has great questions about faith, Christ's atonement, listening to the Spirit, etc. and it points you to scriptures to help find the answers.  I love studying by theme most of all as opposed to just always reading chapter after chapter.  The manual takes this thematic approach and it's perfect for me.

Oh and the other key to my success: using my little notebook to jot down notes.  I have been taking notes every Sunday on lessons and talks and also while I read my scriptures. This has transformed everything and I get SO much more out of things.

It's funny, I learned these lessons on my mission and I learned them well.  I don't know what my deal was when I got home, but I'm finally "getting it" again.  And it feels good to feel the passion seek back in.

**It's also funny how appropriate this post is seeing as today marks exactly four years from the day that I entered the MTC to begin my journey as a missionary.  The journey that changed my life.  My mission president promised me when I was ending my mission that I had great spiritual experiences ahead of me and that my mission shouldn't be the spiritual high for the rest of my life.  He was right--I have had many wonderful spiritual experiences since returning home that show me that I can continue feeling the Spirit in the same way and even greater if I will still be engaged in the Lord's work.  One of these spiritual experiences since returning home was being sealed to Aaron on our wedding day in the Oakland Temple.  I have definitely felt progression even after my mission and I am working on feeling that again and again.

An update through pictures

I haven't been very good at updating our life on this blog.

I blame it partly on lack of time and partly on lack of new things to talk about.  I feel like our typical update is: Caroline is teaching or planning something for teaching at all times while Aaron is attending classes, grading in all his spare moments and playing basketball whenever he can.

As a result of my teaching job and Aaron's 3 T.A. jobs, you will often find us sitting side by side on our bed with our own respective piles of papers grading away.  We try to spend time together on the weekends and enjoy going out to dinner or dessert.

I am getting better at balancing my life which has resulted in more regular dinners, earlier night sleeps and more quality time with Aaron.  This balance is both a result of soccer ending and me figuring out a better planning schedule.

Sometimes the best way to really update is through pictures.  Here is the hodge podge of pictures I've taken with my phone over the last month (ish).

Aaron getting his free iPad and the Japanese mural next to my classroom. 

Piles of paper before parent teacher conferences and my first bit of Timpview soccer swag

Sunday reading of my Grandpa Stewart's autobiography and a shot of our kitchen "shelving"

Attending a BYU football game with my sister-in-law Annie and cute soccer feet on the way to an away game

Homemade salted caramel cupcakes and getting pizza with Remy-kins (aka "Owner of Aunt Caroline's Heart") 

Cuddling while watching General Conference and working on framing artwork with Mimi

Celebrating the missionary age requirement change (yay for more sisters serving and my sister Ginny for getting to go NOW!!) and Aaron and Papa before attending the Priesthood Session

Going to Bombay House with friends and students shoes on my class floor (I make them give me a shoe in return for borrowing my pens)

Listening to Grandpa McKell's stories at Sunday dinner and pictures of my family to help me remember what's most important

I have more pictures to come.  Hopefully I will get better of keeping track of life again!

And a sweet reunion.

So after reminiscing about my mission, I had to reminisce about my sweetest reunion. (get ready for mushiness)

Two years ago from this day (August 7th), I got in to the car by myself (which was still a very weird feeling) and began the drive to the Oakland Airport.  I had been waiting for this day for three years and one month.  I had planned out what I would say, what I would do, how I would look.  However, in the whirlwind of coming home (and the panic over how to get away with wearing a missionary skirt while no longer being a missionary), I completely forget all previous plans.

And the conversation with myself in the car went like this:

"Do I walk to him or do I wait till he comes to me? Guess I'll figure that out when I get there."
"Do I shake his hand?  No, I know that would be the awkward RM thing to do."
"Do I hug him? I think I could handle that.  I did hug my dad yesterday."
"What if he kisses me?  No, there is no way he'd do that."

I got to the airport and walked in.  I stood there facing the escalator, wearing a borrowed blue skirt (that I had pushed down on my hips to feel more modest) and waited.*

And then I saw him. Aaron.  Black polo, curly hair, tan skin, big grin.

He saw me and then before I knew it, I was moving quickly forward and he was running down the escalator.  And without any hesitation, we hugged!  And twirled and hugged!  And then, as if it had been like no time had passed at all, Aaron pulled me in and kissed me!  And I liked it!  He kissed me right there in the middle of all the other southwest arrivals!

My cheeks were rosy.

Aaron put his arm around my shoulder, we walked towards the exit and he said (kind of to himself and kind of to me), "Feels like we've never been apart."

One of our last days at BYU before Aaron left for his mission

Our first BYU football game together again about a month after I got back from my mission.

*Aaron later said he chuckled to himself when he noticed my skirt and thought, She still looks like a sister missionary.

Two years since the "best one and half years of my life"

Today, two years ago, I boarded a plane at the Syracuse Airport, stunned that my year and a half mission had gone by so quickly.  I was determined to continue doing missionary work with my tag on as long as possible.  I taught the first three mission lessons to the man sitting next to me and gave him a Book of Mormon before departing.  He gave me his card and we left as good friends.  I handed a pass along card to another cute young family and shared my testimony of the importance of families.  I shared other cards and taught other lessons.

Tears sprang to my eyes when I saw my family waiting for me at the terminal.  I felt so much happiness in seeing my family, so much relief that I had done it, and so much grief that my mission was over.  I felt like I had been carrying the world on my shoulders for so long and it was comforting to be able to melt into my parents arms.

My mission means so much to me to this day.  I realized my capacity to grow spiritually.  I realized how much my heart could expand to love people.  I realized what it meant to work so hard for something and then turn it all over for the Lord to complete.  I realized how to recognize when the Spirit is talking to me.  I realized how much my family means to me.  I realized how real the gospel is.  I realized the beauty in consecrating your life to a true cause.

My mission is sacred space for me.  And I will always love the people that I taught.

Here is a little trip down my mission memory lane.*

*I know that was a total picture overload but man did I have a good time reminiscing through them.